I hope everything goes well later in life, ynow

Hello there.

im in a strange mood right now, i dont really know why, and ive felt a little lightheaded the last few days. sortof like i'd held my breath for a long tim, but my hearts not beating fast. he he. wonder why. balance is quite bad too my posture is getting better. maybe just getting looser?

plus no im not really up to anything. got new possessions thet'r keeping me occupied. leARNING MORE. GETting irritated sometimes like usual, not really keeping up my side of the conversation usually. i

well well


and that seems to be it. i had the strong urge to write at first and now its gone. probably it left as i realized i didnt want to put some things hare and the rest were wiboring.

nmono theres more: ive been thinking about "the meaning of life" as it was just referred to me that way. its funny to think in such blank terms. what the fuck does that mean anyway, isnt the meaning of life something simple simple simple enough to not need talking about? but amn't i the one who broached the topic a while ago? and it also seems it wouuld be presumptuous of me to reply whith my "MEANING" as i see it. but even then, here it is

The Meaning of Life:
eat drink get off sleep be alive keep up health non-discordant thoughts INTERESTs WANTs GETs of do what you want shake the boat dont get dulled.

and that is that. take a deep breath look at something beautiful or watch the sky a while. dunno. haha. its useless to say that kind of stuff right?

and i didnt even get to the point i meant. the meaning would have to be found in those few thin moments when you stop thoughts and maybe your heart clenches and you feel sad or happy or something you cant distinguish -> but immensly so.

this could go on longer, my saying something and retracting it a few more times talking like a child. ynow, it really bothers me how i pick up characteristics from who im around. almost unbearably stupid to think about admonishing myself then taking it back, like a stupid see-saw.

see ya

even though i have more of a mind than i did a few years ago, i still have the same kind of nothing to write. in the past i was what i was and now a am what i is, but even though there's quite alot of difference on the outside, maybe theres not that much on the inside. or the other way works instead. or maybe not much change at all and just a few years of age are added on what was before.

not that much of a change, more resignation and lassitude and more understandings about what will happen with my life and what Humans can be. more not really caring if i Make It In Life, or become that Famous Painter the family want-s/ed of me. to be sure id like to continue painting and drawing and making things that are nice to look at, that ill see once and a while and say "yes, i made something nice that wouldnt have existed if i didnt"

but its not necessarily necessary. i dont think i have anything that really is. i do like to read, and watch movies, and paint, and draw, and learn and listen. being with people is nice too, though im more comfortable alone, still. i am afraid of the dark. that is a recent progression though, but if its dark and i can hear wind or rain or things: it's nothing.

also, i seem to be strangely close with both my parents? also, its strange there is so much snow left on the ground. maybe its colder than i realize?

also how long have i not been on da? why is it so rediculous now. i thought it used to be about looking at art though it doesnt quite seem like that now. was this always changing For The Better, and i wasnt looking?

i dont h

I had a dream were at the end of it i was eating spagetti. And i woke up when i smacked my lips. It was such a wierd ...

And a few days later i had a conversation with myself when i was almost awake, i was only responding to someone talking to me but maybe i said all of it outloud myself:

"Kaeli, time to wake up"
"what"
"we're leaving in about 5 minutes"
"what...why"
"going to steal something"(jokingly)
"...masha.."
"...dont you remember when uncle Sandy got here last night?"
"no.. no i dont"
and then i waited for a reply with my blanket wrapped up over my head, and when noone came i figured they(the questioner) thought i had been so messed up last night that i had blanked it out, and then i got a little paranoid and when i found there wasnt anyone there anymore i realized i was awake.

and then last night a had a dream there were a bunch of us at the cabin and at some point dad was wearing my bathing suit(i had another).

hmmm, so tomorrow im going home and i will have abslutely nothing on my calender from then on. i knoe ive said this in the past, but its true again. i just dont know what to do with myself or how to get some drive. im pretty content with things though.. ynow, humanly.

though i would be critisizing myself from the myself of a few years ago's perspective, i would say i am mildly happy, and what i thought of then was incorrect, as i knew it had been at the time. my view was from what i was surrounded with and dislike made me dislike other things. so thats that, and as im so loose with myself now the only things that really irritate me are the things that dont change when i dont move for a while. ynow, like those longstanding grudges with your own brain and not getting your own way and stuff..

i dont wanna talk about myself though, but i dont have any other topics but literature and drawings and who im into now, and such.

Haha, i re-watched the jarassic park trilogy though, its really funny what bad acting you dont realize when youre younger.

I wonder if you can freeze to death if you stay outside on a September night like tonight?

the low battery thing is flashing on the keyboard, be funny if it cut off right now.